Mar 26, 2007

The All-Name Team

Because we at T-L hosted the World Cup of Team Names recently, I decided to formally announce the roster of the official Tomorrow-Land All-Name Team. Basically, only the strangest, coolest and creepiest-named footballers of all time were nominated. I know the sticklers out there (on the Internet? No!) will point out that some of the names are actually nicknames, but I did try to stick to names that are used on team rosters, jerseys and in news reports. Here we go:

Wolfgang Wolf (Germany) Our boy Wolfie gets to coach the team after his run as manager of German team VFL Wolfsburg.

The players:
Bismarck (Brazil) When he plays
against France, things do not go well.
Climax Lawrence (India) Forget pulling a Beckham and naming your children based on where they were conceived. Climax's parents named him after the exact moment.
Creedence Cleerwater (Brazil) I can't believe CCR has fans in Brazil, but apparently it is so.
Digital Takawira (Zimbabwe)
Danny Invincible (Australia)
Dean Windass (England) Before you make fun of Dean Windass, know that he was recently sent off the field for grabbing another player by the testicles during an altercation.
Energy Murambadoro (Zimbabwe)
Fred (Brazil) Not Juninho. Not Rivaldo. Not even Robinho. Just Fred.
Gilles Yapi-Yapo (Ivory Coast) Last summer during the World Cup, the Irish commentator Tommy Smyth introduced him as "the delightfully named Yapi-Yapo." Double-Y gets bonus points for playing his club football at Young Boys in Switzerland.
Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink (Netherlands) Like a character straight out of dungeons and dragons.
Johnny Vegas (Peru)
Joseph Désiré Job (France)
Kaka (Brazil) Sometimes the whole Brazilian nicknaming thing goes horribly wrong....
Mozart (Brazil) But then other times it's just completely cool.

Naughty Mokoena (South Africa)
Norman Conquest (Australia) The Conquests owed it to us to name their son Norman.
Nigel Reo-Coker (England) Sounds like someone who wears those yellow-tinted sunglasses and makes monthly trips to Medellin.
Ruud Gullit (Netherlands)
Socrates (Brazil) Possibly the most intelligent professional athlete ever. Was a medical doctor who also drank and smoked throughout his career. How can you not have him on your team?
Titi Camara (Guinea) Muscle cars and a crude reference to breasts. This man was born to play in New Jersey.

But now we have to select the team captain. Two names stood out so far above everyone else that they have to be considered separately:

Bongo Christ


Johnny Moustache

OK, I confess, that's not actually a picture of Johnny Moustache. I just thought a French art film poster better captured the essential nature of Mr. Moustache. He does indeed exist, though. (He played in at least one 2000 World Cup qualifier for that world power Seychelles.)

Anyway, this is a tough call. Johnny Moustache is a name that has a certain star appeal -- as in, he could very well be an adult film star. Meanwhile, Bongo Christ brings centuries of African musical tradition to the venerable Christ family. Oh that Bongo! He always was the second-most-talented cousin!

In the end, myself and Wolfgang Wolf of Wolfsburg gave the captain's armband to Bongo Christ. Not only does he share a familial connection to our lord and savior, but he could lay down a mean funk rhythm for Earth, Wind and Fire (which, now that I think about it, could be the name of Brazil's next big star).

No comments: