Mar 14, 2007

The World Cup of Team Names

Yes, U.S. sports have their share of silly, caricatured professional sports team names (we're looking at you, Anaheim Mighty Ducks/Utah Jazz/Miami Heat). But you need to get on an international flight to find the truly weird, wacky and just plain creepy names of professional sporting teams. In turns out that he world's game - soccer - is where the real action is.

That's why Tomorrow-Land has decided to host the first ever World Cup of Team Names. The champion gets the irony-laden appreciation of sports fans everywhere.

Here are the clubs that "qualified" for the cup. (For you sticklers out there: I tried to stick to only top-level professional teams, but there may be some semi-professional and amateur teams mixed in.):

Arawak Cement Youth Milan (Bermuda) Milan's favorite Caribbean cement mixers

ASEC Mimosas (Ivory Coast) Goes great with a Sunday morning brunch
Ba FC (Fiji)
Bolton Wanderers F.C. (England)
Boys Town (Jamaica) One of many pedophilia-tinged team names
BSC Young Boys (Switzerland) See....
Buymore FC (Zimbabwe) This should definitely be an American club
CD Lota Schwager (Chile) I wonder if they give away free tchotchkes at every match
CD O'Higgins (Chile) A little taste o' Ireland... in Chile
Connah's Quay Nomads F.C. (Wales)
Churchill Brothers (India) Sounds like a department store
Club Blooming (Bolivia) Very pubescent....
Club Presidente Hayes (Paraguay) I love that our most obscure president has a cult following
Dandy Town Hornets (Bermuda)
Deportivo Moron (Uruguay) If Mike Judge knows what he's talking about, this will be the new Real Madrid
Don Bosco FC (Haiti) Sounds like a character from Carlito's Way
Eleven Arrows (Namibia)
Eleven Men in Flight (Swaziland) Just a crazy name. I don't know what to say. I love it.
FC Sheriff Tiraspol (Moldova) Opposing fans must love a certain Bob Marley song
FC Torpedo Kutaisi (Georgia)
FC Torpedo Zhodino (Belarus)
FC TPS Turku (Finland) Get me that TPS report by Friday!
Full Monty (Anguilla)
Go Ahead Eagles (Netherlands) This team is Dutch? What the hell?
Good Luck (Martinique)
Grasshopper (Switzerland)
Happy Valley AA (Hong Kong)
Hard Rock (Grenada) Their stadium sells the Keith Richards potato skins at every match
Heart of Lions (Ghana)
Heart of Midlothian F.C. (Scotland)
Hearts of Oak (Ghana) Probably the greatest of the "hearts" teams
Hello United (Cambodia) Sounds like Pokemon's favorite team
Island Care Wireless Showoffs (Bermuda) Because land lines are for pussies
Jam Boyz (Anguilla)
King Faisal Babes (Ghana) OK, What are the Saudi royals up to now?
KS Apolonia Fier (Albania) Founded by Prince's backup band. Known to wear assless chaps.
Lisburn Distillery F.C. (Northern Ireland) Always leads the league in liver spots
Missiles FC (Gabon)
Mito HollyHock (Japan)
Mizushima Red Adamant (Japan) They're very committed to being red
Moroka Swallows (South Africa) A dirty joke is in there somewhere....hmm......
MyPa-47 (Finland) Somebody still has a yahoo e-mail address. Lame!
Naughty Boys (Botswana) They like the dirty talk
NEWI Cefn Druids F.C. (Wales)
New Road Team (Nepal)
Newell's Old Boys (Argentina)
NK Hit Gorica (Slovenia) Leave Gorica alone!
No Pintcha (Cape Verde)
Ocean Boys (Nigeria)
Odd Grenland B.K. (Norway) Very odd, indeed
Old Bens SC (Sri Lanka) It's all about the old benjamins
Pamplemousses SC (Mauritius)
Police Jinja (Uganda)
Prisons XI (Botswana) My advice... just let them win. Trust me.
Racing Santander (Spain)
Real Salt Lake (United States)
Real Republicans (Sierra Leone) Lincoln Chaffee and Rudy Giuliani are not welcomed here
Real Tamale United (Ghana) Wait... in Ghana?
Red Berets FC (Kenya)
Red Sea FC (Eritrea) Aliteration!
Renown SC (Sri Lanka)
Rushden and Diamonds (England) Sounds like a rich club, but they're not.
Semen Padang (Indonesia) This can't be good....
Shamrock Rovers F.C. (Republic of Ireland)
Sheraton Hôtel (Djibouti) Last remaining professional team whose players aren't allowed to sleep with Paris Hilton.
Steve Biko FC (Gambia)
Suez Cement (Egypt) Go cement, go!
SV Victory Boys (Netherlands Antilles)
Tottenham Hotspur FC (England)
Township Rollers (Botswana) Theme song: "Saturday Night"
Thailand Tobacco Monopoly FC (Thailand) Why are our players always out of breath?
The Strongest (Bolivia) This name just rocks. I don't know what else to add.
Village Superstars (St. Kitt and Nevis)
Wikki Tourists F.C. (Nigeria) They're only here for the weekend. Edit your own damn entry.
Wongosport (Gabon)
Wonji Sugar (Egypt)
World Hope FC (Kenya) Another cutesy name. Awwwww.

And playing in the final championship match of the World Cup of Team Names, two clubs whose names are so diabolically awesome they couldn't be topped by anyone else:

Joe Public FC
(Trinidad and Tobago)


Botswana Meat Commission FC

Joe Public versus the Meat Commission. It's all very Upton Sinclair-esque. As much as I love a team named after the hypothetical sports-loving everyman, the winner this year has to be Botswana Meat Commission FC. While every other team at the tournament faced a bout of e. coli-induced vomiting from the substandard meat we served in the cafeteria, the BMC was able to stay on top of its game. Congratulations!


Anonymous said...

leaving out the Nippon Ham Fighters of Japanese baseball automatically nullifies this list.

Jose Habib said...

The funniest thing about "Newell's Old Boys" is that it's not even an English team.