For the undecided voters

Here's a little help decided whether you want to vote for either Barack "Barry Hussein" Obama or Hillary "Angry school librarian" Clinton.

Um, no he wasn't.

For the last few years now you've seen the occasional commercial pop up with some dead celebrity endorsing it. (I believe Fred Astaire, for example, was in a Dirt Devil vacuum commercial). That's bad enough. Even worse is twisting someone's legacy into the opposite of what his life actually was.

Case in Point: These fine t-shirts proclaiming "Martin Luther King, Jr. was a Republican."

The Worst Hotel in the World

I love tripadvisor, I really do. The site gives you reviews mostly of hotels and resorts from everyday travelers who might or might not be sane human beings. (Usually, they're reasonable but sometimes you end up taking some of the reviewers with a grain of salt.)

Well anyway, Mrs. T-L and I are taking our first real vacation together in a while next week. We are gonna be spending a few days in Savannah, Charleston and at Hunting Island State Park (where we're gonna do some camping). I think we're staying in some really nice places.

Well at least we're not staying in what I think might be the official World's Worst Hotel, the President Inn in Washington, D.C. Here are a few excerpts from the traveler reviews:

• More Like The President Crack Den
• upon my departure I noticed small red bumps all over my body
• It was so bad, that I actually want to see the building getting bulldozed.
• I have backpacked around the world, ranging from South America to Asia and this was by far the worst place ever.
• he receptionists are nice, but at night time they are protected behind bullet proof glass (while you're left to fend for yourself).
• The lobby entrance has thick bullet resistant plexiglass surrounding the reception area.
• a variety of interesting stains of unknown origin thoroughout the room
• There is razor wire around the property. It is across from a run-down liquor store and next to four railroad tracks.

Great science fair pictures

This collection of great science fair pictures is hilarious. Kind of cruel, but also kind of endearing, I suppose.

Why Star Wars is purely fantasy

I do admit to occasionally liking science fiction. It's fun to transport our current world to some foreign universe full of interplanetary empires and alliances. Here's a sci-fi writer's explanation for why we shouldn't hold our breath if we expect humans to colonize other planets. Good, geeky stuff!

Awful NY Times trend story of the week

Pointing out the hopelessly bourgeois/sloppily "researched" trend stories of the NY Times would really be regular feature of this blog if I weren't such a lazy lima bean. Anywho, check out this trend story on how rich DINKs are discovering that their high-design lifestyles conflict with their delayed acceptance of babymaking.

Life is hard for the rich when they have to give up things like sharp-edged custom coffee tables!

When the twins became mobile, the couple realized that they would need to create a designated play space in their prewar Park Avenue apartment. Still, the room they sacrificed — the formal dining room — was tough.

Heavily armed Floridiots

Ahhh, Florida. The State Where Everyone Gets a Second Chance.

Well, not any more. There will be no second chances if you find yourselves lined up in the laser sight of a .499 caliber Alexander Arms Beowulf Elephant Gun. Apparently a sheriff department in the Orlando area is stocking up.

Some choice excerpts from this Only in Florida story:

Essentially an assault rifle on steroids, the $800 weapon has "the power to kill anything that walks, swims or crawls!" according to a 2003 product review by gunblast.com. "Everyone who shot the gun was grinning like an idiot, and muttering phrases like, 'I gotta get me one of these.'"

and

In the 1960s, an elephant escaped from a circus in Winter Park. It rampaged along Cady Way into Winter Park Pines, leaving large mementos of its presence along the street, until it was subdued and recaptured.

and last but not least

Orange County's toughest neighborhoods may not have elephants, but the deputies who work there are getting a shipment of 25-shot machine pistols.

"Matching firepower," said sheriff's spokesman Capt. Mark Strobridge, when asked why.

"Our tactical squads that are getting the weapons are dealing with the worst of the worst and those types of neighborhoods," Strobridge said of the new semiautomatic, .45-caliber Heckler & Koch machine pistols. "They're more accurate than their [regular] pistols, and they can stand back further from the bad guys."

Hot bitches!

Check out Deadspin's "coverage" of the Westminster Dog Show. Yes, the freaks from "Best in Show" actually exist.

My favorite emu band

Some hick town in Georgia that no one's ever heard of now finds itself on the veritable internet freak show map: Appling, Ga., we love you!

Emu gets lost in road.

Tucker said Thursday that a man from Wilkes County said he was coming to see if the emu was his, but he had not arrived. "We're hopeful," she said. "Emus are a difficult animal. After four more days, we will put him up for adoption."

No one knows who owns the emu. Emu gets put up for adoption.... Emu ends up on trailer park Thanksgiving table?

CNN, the pride of Atlanta

Ever notice how completely crazy the headlines on CNN.com are? I sometimes notice them and wonder if CNN's editors or viewers are more sick, vile and twisted. I attribute it to some bizarre obsession with news about child molestation, kiddie death and random animal attacks. Check out this hilarious collection of CNN screen grabs. The one below is my personal favorite. I guess your choice of video tells just how mentally fucked you are.

Legalize human meat

I don't know about you, but I'm casting my ballot for Vermin Supreme, a third party candidate on the presidential ballot. He likes to wear a boot on his head and his platform includes mandatory toothbrushing and zombie preparedness.
Find out his positions here.

Not the "prison type"

If you're ever on the lam from the police, make sure you're dressed for the occasion when the police knock on your mother's front door.

Welcome to London

Check out this photo (via pitch invasion) of Swansea fans receiving a police escort on their way to match against Milwall in London. I guess they're guests of honor!

Saint Barry

The Rupert Murdoch-owned Weekly Standard, no friend of feel-good liberalism, has a cover story this week on St. Barack of Iowa. The story is a perfect illustration of one thing: If Barry is nominated the Democrats will roll into the White House. If they choose the other option, of nominating Hillary, welcome to right wing armageddon and a general election so unappealing, you'll wish we had a monarch.

Here's the deal: the Weekly Standard followed Obama around for a while during his Iowa campaign and noted a few things. First, he's incredibly good at staking positions that strike sensible compromises and limit alienating non-die-hards. Second, his supporters bring the passion that The Hills just can't. Third, the Iowa Caucus format favors a candidate who can win over second-choice voters whose original candidate was "nonviable."

The article had an incredible pro-Barry tone to it, which makes me wonder if a lot of Republican voters kinda deep down like the guy. Also, this line from the article cracked me up:

I spoke to a lawyer from Des Moines whose first choice is Dennis Kucinich. (We agreed that I would not use his name because, well, would you want your name used if you supported Dennis Kucinich?)

Like the first scene in Beetlejuice

Apparently there's a fairly new photographic technique called "tilt-shift" that allows photographers to manipulate a picture's focus in ways that makes an actual cityscape look like a picture of a scale model.

Check out some fantastic examples of this here.

Why they fear Obama more than Hillary

Andrew Sullivan, the conservative Atlantic Monthly writer has written an insanely good argument for President Obama, based on the notion that Barry would be the first post-baby boomer president who could move the country beyond the usual culture war issues that we've been preoccupied with for the past 40 years.

Amazing stuff. I wish I'd written it!

Here's a great Obama quote from before the Iraq invasion:

I don’t oppose all wars. And I know that in this crowd today, there is no shortage of patriots, or of patriotism. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war … I know that even a successful war against Iraq will require a U.S. occupation of undetermined length, at undetermined cost, with undetermined consequences. I know that an invasion of Iraq without a clear rationale and without strong international support will only fan the flames of the Middle East, and encourage the worst, rather than best, impulses of the Arab world, and strengthen the recruitment arm of al-Qaeda. I am not opposed to all wars. I’m opposed to dumb wars.

Your favorite Huey Lewis album

I happened to be browsing IMDB the other day and stumbled across this fucking gem of a quote from "American Psycho." If you dont' find this funny, then I don't think I'll ever be able to relate to you....

Patrick Bateman: Do you like Huey Lewis and the news?
Paul Allen: They're OK.
Patrick Bateman: Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercial and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humour.
Paul Allen: Hey Halberstram.
Patrick Bateman: Yes, Allen?
Paul Allen: Why are their copies of the style section all over the place, d-do you have a dog? A little chow or something?
Patrick Bateman: No, Allen.
Paul Allen: Is that a rain coat?
Patrick Bateman: Yes it is! In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself.
[raises axe above head]
Patrick Bateman: Hey Paul!
[he bashes Allen in the head with the axe, and blood splatters over him]
Patrick Bateman: TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD! YOU, FUCKING BASTARD!

The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy

Ever find yourself watching Bravo and wondering how society suddenly got so gay? Well, it turns out the culprit is a seemingly-innocent health food, as this article with the subtlely states: Soy is making kids 'gay.'

Please do read through all five pages of it... so that I don't have to.

Hillary explains it all

For the record, the all-time greatest commentator on the American class system was the comedian Colin Quinn, who once did a skit on his show "Tough Crowd" in which he laid out "The American Caste System."

(I'm going from memory, so if I screw anything up, post a comment!)

From the pinnacle of society to its dregs:

- The A-listers: This group includes pretty much any celebrity or otherwise rich person with enough charisma to get in anywhere for free.

- The Tuesday Nighters: This group includes pretty much anyone who's hip or interesting without being rich or famous. They can probably get into the best nightclubs in town, but only on Tuesday nights.

- The Wal-martians: This group includes most of Middle America. They wear a lot of sweatpants and buy things like Country Music Christmas Albums.

- The Ignored: This group is America's version of the Dalits (untouchables). The old, the infirm, the insane rambling homeless man who screams about the CIA in the middle of the street.

Anyway, the Washington Post had a story last week on how we define the upper and middle classes in this country. It was somewhat insightful, mainly thanks to this whopper of a delusional quote from Hillary Clinton:

"In America, we've never liked the idea of massive inherited wealth," Clinton said last month in New Hampshire. "Part of the reason why America has always remained a meritocracy where you have to work for what you get, where you have to get out there, make your case to people, come up with a good idea, is that we never had a class of people sitting on generation after generation after generation of huge inherited wealth."

Explain to me again how she's so left wing? The idea that America never had inherited wealth is so absurd that I can't understnad how some deluded Democrats are still supporting her. Who's team is she on?

For the record, Obama defined the "upper class" as anyone making over $100,000 in annual income, which is six percent of the population. That sounds about right to me.

Take the last train to Fuck You-Ville

My wife and I are planning to spend Christmas up in Philadelphia this year. That means we have to travel from Atlanta all the way up to the land of Cheesesteaks and obsessive sports talk radio. I had the idea that maybe we would take the train up there -- No long security lines, no need to turn off the iPod or put your tray table up. I think train travel is pretty much superior in every way to air travel (with the exception of that whole not-being-able-to-travel-over-water thing).

So I went to amtrak.com and looked up the price of two round-trip tickets from ATL to Philly. The price came to a completely fucking insane $712!

Then I went and looked up airfare. It turns out two round-trip tickets on AirTran Airways would cost $673.48.

Now, I know that Bush and his Republican buddies could give fuck-all about train service, but wow have things gotten bad for Amtrak. They can't even compete on price point basis with the airlines! Has the sheer insanity of this sunk in yet? FLYING IS NOW CHEAPER THAN TRAIN TRAVEL!!!

Yes, the world's least efficient mode of transportation, the one that uses far more fuel and causes far more pollution than any other method (even driving your SUV) is now our prefered way of travelling between cities. Delays caused by too many flights leaving too few runways and Soviet food line-esque security mazes have resulted in so many flight delays that Dubya the Dumber even had to re-route flights through military airspace. (If you read that a Boeing was accidentally shot down this week, remember, this Dubya we're talking about.)

The truth of the matter is Dubya and his criminal buddies (Tom Delay, Jack Abramoff, etc.) have always been in the pockets of the airlines, which spend millions of dollars on lobbying. All Amtrak has to lobby is a few federal bureaucrats who have no sway at all with Republican members of Congress, due to the railroad's perception that it only serves the Boston to Washington corridor. Bush himself keeps trying to kill Amtrak and wants a plan that puts rail transportation in the hands of the states.

So the Republicans are basically saying that inter-city travel, which by the very nature of it must connect different cities and states all across the country, should not be a function of the federal government!

I know there are people who say taxpayers shouldn't have to subsidize rail travel, but the fact is that EVERY mode of transportation is already partially subsidized by federal and state governments -- and highways and airports are the chief beneficiaries of that public money, while rail travel is left to wither on the vine.

Even FEMA refused Amtrak's offer to help evacuate Katrina victims! Think about that for a second. We have a federal government that is so anti-Amtrak that it refused to let flood victims take trains out of New Orleans. Do you really think they're going to change course and start subsidizing train service at the expense of deep-pocketed airlines?